What They Have Coming To Them
by Aeanagwen
Summary: A blanket scenario fic, humorous. Nakago is forced to compromise his dignity.


Second installment of Celleri-kun's and my Seiryuu-centric humor fics. This was written for a mailing list fic challenge, a Blanket Scenario. For those not familiar with the concept, a blanket scenario is when you take two characters, have them stuck out in a blizzard, and then stumble upon a cabin, together or seperately. In the cabin, there is one small blanket, and the characters know that, if they don't abandon dignity and strip down out of their soaking wet clothes and snuggle together naked, they won't survive the night. Below is our entry, which won second prize. ^^ It's set in Hokkan, when everyone's trying to find the Genbu shinzaho. This isn't our best work, being rather dated, and, really, if it weren't for the fact that The Sleeping Bishounen, our masterpiece of humor fics, contains a reference to it, I probably wouldn't bother posting it. But here it is, for what it's worth. If you don't read this, do try Sleeping Bishounen, which should be up soon. 

Warnings for shameless OOC and some scattered language. 

------- 

"Why did I have to come?" 

"You _know _what's in the Shin, Nakago-sama, you _have _to come." 

"And what is it _doing _in there?" 

".... I dunno.....You were the one who told me to put it in there!" 

"And when was that!?" 

".....I dunno......" 

Nakago rolled his eyes, wondering how exactly did they get here, and what exactly Seiryuu was smoking when they did. 

Tomo, however, wondered how in the Hell he was going to explain why they were out in the freezing cold (that Tomo didn't notice because he wears TOO MANY clothes...damn him) without serious injury and/or death. 

Flashback... Earlier that day....>> 

Soi was being annoying with all of her shiawase bubbles, and they were getting in the way. Although, Miboshi was conveniently sitting on one and threatening to pop it with his rattle of doom. Ashitare was chasing them and trying to eat them, then spitting like mad because they tasted gross, and Tomo was violently trying to slap them away and hopefully pop them with his nails. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the shiawase bubbles, they were remarkably resistent to popping. 

"Someday, after we get the Shinzaho, Nakago and I are going to settle down in a nice palace and Nakago's going to be Emperor, and I will be his Empress and we'll spend ALL our time making heirs to the throne!" 

Tomo twitched so badly that Miboshi asked him if he was having a conniption again. Tomo glared at him and reminded himself to illusion up a nice Fat Bastard to want to eat him. 

"And they'll all have the same beautiful blue eyes that he has! Such beautiful, beautiful, crystal-blue eyes! And all our children will have them... our many, many children!..." 

Tomo's hands were so tightly balled up into fists, his nails drew blood. _Note to self, kill Soi._ After _we get the Shinzaho, kill Soi._

"We'll be so happy, because Nakkie-poo loves ME so much, and HE AND I will be SO IN LOVE!! And the best part is, I get to wake up next to him every morning for the rest of our liv-- OW!" 

Tomo innocently wiped his hands and continued riding. Miboshi hit the ground with a BOINK! because all the pink and yellow nasty-tasting shiawase bubbles disappeared. 

Soi looked around suspiciously. "...That felt like a clam." 

Tomo cackled, reducing the authors into Drooling Fangirl Puddles (TM). 

"I'm gonna tell Nakago!" 

"NOOOOOOO!!!! Pleeeeeease don't tell Nakago-sama-chan, please!" Tomo's eyes became larger than necessary and so cute it was revolting. He clasped his hands, now blood-free, together, and turned the shiimmery way-too-big SD eyes on her. 

"That... That is REALLY gross." 

Tomo snapped back to normal. "And I'll do it again if you tell Nakago-sama-chan!" 

"Stop calling him that." 

"Only if you stop calling him Nakkie-poo! That's SO undignified, calling Nakago-sama-chan Nakkie-poo!..." 

Random bickering ensued for the majority of the ride. 

End Flashback>> 

Thus Nakago and Tomo trudged through the ankle-deep snow, looking for the shin. 

"Tell me again why the shin is out here." 

"It's not MY fault, it's SOI'S fault! If it hadn't bounced off of her head- oops..." 

Nakago turned to face him, slowly, symbol glowing an evil blue. This is where Tomo nearly soiled himself, for conflicting reasons. 

"_What?!"_

All of a sudden, a freak blizzard broke out! Tomo, no longer visible due to the snow, felt relieved and, thankfully, did not soil himself. 

((Meanwhile, up in Heaven)) 

"GENBU!!! What are you doing to my seishi!?" 

"Playing..." Genbu mumbled sneakily, for once ignoring his serpentile companions. 

Seiryuu gave him a death glare. "Knock it off." 

"No! They're in MY country, about to steal MY Shinzaho, and I haven't played with Seishi in 200 years!" Genbu argued. 

"Is that MY fault?! You were the one who just HAD to have the first Miko," the dragon pointed out. 

"....Well, you don't do a good job with your seishi! You mess them up as kids! You have a little boy get raped as a little kid and kill his mother by accident; that was your fault. You have another little kid get ABANDONED as a child, not to mention all the abuse, and then have to go around with face paint so he can feel confident enough to go out in public, that was your fault. You have a little girl forced to be a hooker as a child, that was your fault. You have a guy who gets treated like a lousy dog for most of his life, who gets tortured by the guy who got raped by his emperor, who has the girl who was a hooker and the guy who wears makeup in love with him, who he doesn't really care about and even if he did, he wouldn't admit it and that's the way he likes it and IT'S ALL YOUR FAU--" 

"Shut up, Genbu. So they have problems, it builds character." 

"THEIR 'CHARACTERS', as you put it, ARE BEYOND MESSED UP! They have ISSUES! That's why the Suzaku are so much more LIKEABLE than you! You are MEAN, and you do MEAN things to your seishi so you can just SIT YOUR SCALY BLUE ASS DOWN and let me be NICE to your OVERLY SCREWED OVER SEISHI WHO YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF VERY WELL, YOU LOUSY, NEGLECTFUL PARENT!" 

"And what exactly are you planning to do?" 

Seiryuu recognized the faintly maniacal and evil gleam in Genbu's eyes as he replied, "I'm going to show at least one of them a good time." 

((Back in the blizzard)) 

"We're lost, aren't we?" 

"Shut up." 

"But we ARE lost, aren't we?" 

"I said, shut up." 

"It's not my fault we're lost." 

"Yes it is, we're looking for YOUR stupid clam." 

"It has a name," Tomo rebuked. 

"I don't care! Can't you put out some kind of homing signal on it? Make it glow or something?" 

"I can _try_..." He didn't. He _pretended _to, but he didn't. 

Nakago pressed forward through the slush, grumbling, not so quietly, about the incompetence of his underlings. 

And Tomo, whose temper (despite the presence of his beloved blond, soaking, dripping wet and cold) was running short, shot back, "Underling?! Well if you're so big and bad and sick of being out here, just use that stupid blue headlight on your forehead and go back to camp!" 

"It's getting dark..." Nakago noted, reluctantly and with a sense of dread, though he didn't know why. He looked up at the sky, whose smoky gray tinge was getting darker and darker by the second. 

"How can you tell? It's all snow." 

"Good point... How _do _I know?" Nakago mulled over this for a second, then decided it was smarter to get out of the cold than wonder about why it was dark. "We're going to need to find shelt--" 

A large wooden THUMP resounded across the frozen landscape, and Tomo noted a boxy shape about twenty feet in front of them. "Is that a-" 

((Cut back to Heaven)) 

"...cabin?" Seiryuu asked. "You are _evil_, Genbu." 

"You ain't seen nothin' yet, and who are you calling evil, you child abuser?" 

((Cut back to cabin)) 

"Oh look, it IS a cabin! I suppose we'll have to get out of these wet clothes and stay the night! Come on, Nakago-sama, before you catch cold!" Tomo bounced happily toward the door, tugging on Nakago's sleeve. 

Nakago, looking up at the sky, shrugged and said, "I appreciate this, Seiryuu. Really." 

Once inside, the place was pretty much barren, save a fireplace and a closet. Tomo went to inspect the closet and found a small, just big enough for two if they didn't mind being close, blanket. _There's only _one _blanket, and it's just big enough for the both of us if we snuggle, and we have to share because he can't let me freeze!_

"I got my Naka-GO! I got my Naka-GO! OOoooo, Soi's gonna have a connip-tion! Soi's gonna have a connip-tion!" Tomo danced happily around the room, dripping water and flinging it everywhere, and inadvertantly getting Nakago even wetter than he was. By now his makeup was long gone and making multicolored puddles on the floor. 

Nakago, meanwhile, desperately searched the closet for another blanket. A hand towel, even, anything that meant he would not have to share the blanket with his psychotic not-so-secret-anymore admirer. Upon realization that he was not that lucky, he glared fiercely at the blanket, the fireplace, and the lack of anything else in the cabin, and the fact that this cabin was not well insulated and not using the blanket was, well, not an option. 

"We need to start a fire and dry our clothes." 

_Meaning... we have to not be wearing them... Meaning... we will not be wearing clothes... Meaning... Nakago will be BUTT-ASS NEKKID AND UNDER A BLANKET WITH **ME!!**_' 

"I got my Nakago NUDE! I got my Nakago NUDE!" 

Nakago, who was stripping off his shirt, listened stoically to Tomo's song and dance number, and took his frustrations out on said shirt. Rip, rip. 

While Tomo happily got the fire started, humming the tune of "I got my Nakago NUDE!" (his self-proclaimed image song), Nakago braced himself for the disturbing situation he was about to be roped into. 

_It's just a six-foot tall Miboshi, that's all. I can deal with that. Miboshi's okay, he doesn't sing weird songs that involve me being naked. Strange freak baby is okay. Stupid little damn floating midget monk bastard (TM) is okay._

Tomo tapped on Nakago's shoulder. "Nakago-sama?" he whimpered. 

"What, Tomo?" 

"Uhm, put me out." 

"What?" 

:"I mean, put me out. The fire is getting dangerously close to my head..." Tomo lifted his ponytail and showed his overseer the small spark of flame crawling up his hair. "Put me out." 

Nakago shook his head, took the remains of his shirt, and wrung it out over the fire. 

"Thank you, Nakago-sama," Tomo beamed. 

((Cut to Heaven)) 

Seiryuu reached for his Follower Communication System, (a large, blue megaphone) and yelled into it, "HEY NAKAGO! HAVE HIM SLEEP ON THE HEARTH! I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR DIGNITY HERE!" 

"Oh, no you don't!" 

((Cut to cabin)) 

"Tomo, you're sleeping on the hearth." 

Nakago swore he could hear Tomo's heart explode in his chest, and he didn't really care. "Huh?" 

"You're sleeping on the hearth, and we're going to sleep now. Get over there." 

Tomo peeled off the remainder of his opera robes, spread them out on the floor, and trudged over to the hearth. "Oyasumi, Nakago-sama," he sniffed. He rolled over, closed his eyes... 

And the fire went out with a POOF. 

((Cut to Heaven)) 

"DAMN YOU GENBU!" 

((Cut to cabin)) 

Nakago, firmly wrapped in the blanket and none too eager to let go, looked up at the ceiling. "You see that? This is why the Hin worship Tenkou." 

"Nakago-sama?" _WOO HOO! I LOVE YOU SEIRYUU!! I WILL SACRIFICE SHIN TO YOU FOR THIS...assuming I ever find it.._

Nakago grumbled and offered him a small corner of the blanket, banging his head repeatedly against the floor. Tomo crawled in, and, being the limber, sneaky little bastard that he is, wormed his way into getting a decent half of the blanket. "Thank you, Nakago-sama." 

"Don't mention it. Ever." 

Just then the fire lit back up. Nakago sat bolt upright with wild hope in his eyes. "GET BACK OVER THERE!" 

"But, but-" 

"Do it!" 

Tomo whimpered incoherently, but the second he got within a good three feet from the fireplace, it went out. Nakago was beginning to wonder if he would rather risk the hypothermia. Before he got too far on that debate, Tomo was snuggled under the blanket and curled up next to him. 

This occured three or four more times, Tomo's presence dousing the fire like nobody's business and the lack thereof setting it back ablaze. Nakago even tried it once, and the minute he stepped too close, the fire was gone. 

"Oh no you don't, either," Genbu said. 

Finally, Nakago resigned himself to the situation and got under the blanket. He rolled over, shut his eyes tightly, and tried to will himself to sleep and ignore a pair of gold eyes boring holes in his head. But he couldn't, (think about it, could _you_?) and so turned around to bitch at Tomo. 

"Would you quit STARING already?! At least BLINK once in awhile, that's creepy!" 

"But... But I might miss something!" 

"LIKE WHAT?! I'm trying to SLEEP!" 

"Exactly!" 

"Come on, just blink, before your eyes dry up and fall out or something." _Come on, do it! I only need half a second for this..._

Tomo muttered something and blinked. When he opened his eyes, Nakago's hands were halfway to his throat. 

"Nakago-sama, what are you doing?" 

Nakago, caught red-handed, so to speak, realized that he couldn't bring his hands back, as that would look stupid, braced himself and gently stroked the side of Tomo's cheek. 

Tomo turned blue and passed out with a small, ecstatic squeal of joy. Shiawase bubbles filled the room. 

Nakago glared at them, then realized, "I should have done that ages ago!" 

((Cut to Heaven)) 

"Sorry, blondie, it ain't that easy!" 

Seiryuu, who was now sitting back and watching, frowned. "Why are you doing this?" 

"I get it on all the time! I think Tomo deserves a shot at it! And besides, be glad I'm the only one doing it. You want me to bring Suzaku and Byakko in on it? I mean, remember that time you tied paper towels to Byakko's feet with rubber bands? He still owes you for that, and you and Suzaku aren't on the best terms right now anyway!" 

"NOOOO! NOT SUZAKU! You know he cheats at cards, and he'll use this as blackmail material for my seishi!" 

Genbu just grinned. "Then sit down and shut up." 

((Cut to cabin)) 

"Aahh, finally. Peace and quiet, and I can get some sleep. G'nite, Tomo." 

"Ahhhhhhhhh... Nakago-sama-chan..." 

Nakago's eyes flew open so fast his eyelids hurt. What was that? 

"Nakago-sama-chan, wo ai ni..." 

Nakago froze. Tomo was still in a dead faint, right? Great, Tomo talks in his sleep. Whoopidy-fucking-doo. He just rolled over again and, again, tried to sleep. He was immediately shaken out of any semblance of peace when long arms with hands with LONG RED fingernails wrapped themselves around him. 

"Nakago-sama-chan.... I got my Naka-go, I got my Naka-go..." 

Nakago again glared at the ceiling. "Can you explain to me exactly what I did to deserve this?" After he recieved no answer, he just sat back and waited until he passed out. During his wait, it occured to him that it was kind of nice, having someone curled up posessively against his back. _You know, I could get used to th-_

((Cut to Heaven)) 

"GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!" Seiryuu screamed into the FCS. 

Genbu grabbed the megaphone and pouted. "See, you went and ruined it! You are SUCH an asshole." 

((Cut to cabin)) 

"Sweet Seiryuu's scaly blue ass, what was I thinking?" And Nakago drifted off to sleep. 

((Meanwhile, back at the camp)) 

"Where ARE they?" Soi whined, pacing the floor. "They should have been back by now! And why did Nakago have to go with that painted floozy!? He's probably using his illusions to seduce my Nakkie-poo right out from under me!" 

((The next morning)) 

"Tomo, get up. We have to go." 

"I dun wanna..." Tomo just cuddled up against Nakago's back and squeezed him. Even Nakago had to think it was cute--but dammed if he'd admit it. 

"Get UP, Tomo." 

"Nooooo....Dun wannna..." 

"Dammit, Tomo! Get UP!" 

"Nnnneeeeeehh I dun wannaaaa!" 

Nakago finally just stood up, forcing Tomo up with him, and walked over to his clo- his pants, anyway, being that his shirt was gone (thank you, Genbu). He dragged his... appendage with him over to the appendage's clothes. 

"Get dressed." 

"Oh, fine.." Tomo was a little cranky after being woken up (Tomo is not a morning person by any means) and just pulled on his garb (he had to do it twice because he put most of it on backwards the first time). 

Nakago headed for the door and fell, flat on his face and into the snow from the waist up. What followed was a stream of cursing so vulgar that we will not type it, mainly because we're not that creative and this is going on a mailing list. Tomo headed out after him and squealed happily, "It's Shin! It was right there in the doorway the entire time! Lucky!" 

The blond looked around, glaring at Tomo, the shin, and the world in general. He decided to kill something small and helpless later on to make himself feel better.. 

But right now, he was soaking wet and cold. Again. 

"Oh, you don't have a shirt, do you Nakago-sama?" Tomo pointed out. He peeled off his robe and, quite seriously, handed it to Nakago. "Here. You can use this until you can get your own clothes." Although his main concern was what Soi would think when they trotted, all unkempt like they had actually been busy the previous night, and Nakago in his robe, and how great the look on her face would be, Tomo really was concerned for Nakago's health. 

Nakago reluctantly accepted and wrapped it around his shoulders, muttering a small 'thank you' under his breath. 

Tomo was happy and grinning a mile wide for the rest of the way back to camp. 

((A few hours later)) 

"He's back!" Soi cheered, running toward the front of the camp. "Nakago-sama, you-- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!?" 

Nakago simply walked past her and into his tent to change. 

Tomo cackled. Soi glared at him. "What did you do to my Nakkie-poo?" 

"Oh, he was just a little rough on his shirt last night and I didn't want MY Nakago-sama-chan to get cold. Well, I'll see you later, Soi." 

((Cut to Heaven)) 

"Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" 

"Worse." 

"I had fun." 

"You would." 

"Well, yes. I did." 

"I hate you." 

Genbu smiled serenely. "Anytime, brother dear." 

"Go boink a snake, sicko." 

Genbu grinned. "All the time, brother dear!" 

THE END.....? 


End file.
